I Just Realized I'm a 'Foster Boyfriend' and Now My Whole Dating History Makes Sense

Photo credit: Lilly Roadstones - Getty Images
Photo credit: Lilly Roadstones - Getty Images

From Men's Health

I've been single and actively mingling for a long time. Like, a decade or more. And over the years, I've been able to identify a definite trend in my dating life: the guy I've been seeing will break things off, usually because he's "not ready for a relationship" or "just looking for something casual." And then, seemingly in the blink of an eye, he'll end up in a committed relationship with somebody else.

Once the pattern emerged, it became impossible to un-see. It's almost as if I've been running some kind of finishing school for eligible bachelors, getting to know them and allowing myself to get emotionally invested when I am in fact, for all intents and purposes, one last pitstop before they ride off into the sunset with their actual soulmate.

In other words, I'm a foster boyfriend.

"Foster boyfriend" and "foster girlfriend" are recently coined dating slang, referring to that relationship you have with somebody who then goes on to commit to somebody else, i.e. they find their "forever home." More and more straight single women appear to be identifying as serial foster girlfriends, like Australian radio producer Jana Hocking.

"I had filled in time for these blokes, listened to many of their, 'I'm just not quite ready for a girlfriend' speeches (and said a fair few of those speeches myself) and to be fair, had a marvellous time with them before they turned on their vacant taxi light and picked up the next traveller for a life of commitment and dirty nappies," she wrote in a recent article.

While foster boyfriend is a relatively new term, the phenomenon has been around for a while. It was the entire premise of a romantic comedy back in 2007; Good Luck Chuck followed a "cursed" Dane Cook, who had women lining up around the block because they'd heard the stories that anybody who went to bed with him would immediately then find their very own Prince Charming.

It can be frustrating and hurtful to learn that the person who said "it's not you, it's me" and promised you they just weren't ready to settle down has done exactly that with somebody else. It's equally difficult not to internalize the idea that you're the problem. But is there anything we can actually do to break out of this cycle?

There are a few different reasons why you might find yourself being a foster boyfriend or girlfriend. First and foremost, you and your ex clearly weren't right for each other. If he or she is so open to commitment with somebody else, then it's likely that the issue was compatibility.

Secondly, and this might sting a bit: maybe they were telling the truth when they said they weren't looking for anything serious, but just happened to fall head over heels for the next person they met. That's not a reflection on how attractive, charming or eligible you are. In fact, it has precisely nothing to do with how that person felt about you, and everything to do with how they feel about their current partner. (Accepting that what our exes do with their lives after a breakup is none of our business can be a bitter but necessary pill to swallow.)

In either case, it's possible that your ex was just trying to be kind when they broke things off, and gave you an easily-digestible, if not entirely honest excuse in the form of "I'm not ready for a relationship."

And finally, well, maybe it's time to think about the signals that we're sending out. Let's assume right off the bat that we're not giving off intense vibes or introducing them to our parents on the second date. What if the issue is the exact opposite?

When you're first dating somebody, there can be a lot of pressure to seem chill and not clingy, and sometimes this can mean that you come across as less invested or less interested in commitment than you really are. The person you're involved with might actually be looking for a meaningful relationship, but interpret your playing it cool as disinterest, and decide to look for commitment elsewhere.

Or it could be none of these things. What do I know, I'm still single A.F.

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