(Kari)
Welcome everyone to our parenting and family challenges webinar. I'm Kari Uhlman, EAP counselor and with me today is Matt Gilbert he's also an EAP counselor. Welcome Matt. 

(Matt)
Hi Kari, it's a pleasure to be here. 

(Kari)
At this time you might be experiencing stressors related to family dynamics during this pandemic. Today we're going to talk about strategies to support you and your family whether that's in how to balance your work and home life while you're all under the same roof, how to support children teens and young adults in your life, ways to navigate your partnership, and how to manage challenging family dynamics. We will also identify resources that are available for both you and your family. Our intent today is to provide general information to support couples and families and with the complexities of our family systems we won't be able to cover the wide range of topics and variables in our short time together today so please know that you can contact EAP to schedule a time to meet with the counselor to talk more specifically about topics and resources that might be helpful for you in your with your family you can contact EAP by calling eight seven seven three one three four four five five and at the end of our time together today we'll talk a little bit more about EAP and the services we provide. For now let's begin by talking about working from home with family members then later we'll talk more specifically about children, teens and couples. 

(Matt)
Great thank you so much Kari. You know having our lives abruptly altered with the pandemic and the various other community and national issues that are unfolding in front of us today these things combined have really created a significant amount of stress for many of us if not most of us we can't control these external issues, choose the timeline for how long the virus will last or how long we'll be working from home etc. you know there is still though a lot of things that are within our direct influence and control. Thinking about and planning for what you can control or influence during this confusing time can be really helpful so let's take a closer look at a few strategies that are designed to help us better manage our stress during these difficult moments. One strategy worth considering is just simply planning a day in 24 hour chunks. While working from home it could be helpful to plan out what happens in your home every 24 hours so you know you might consider taking a few minutes at the beginning of your day or perhaps at the during the evening time so you can plan out your following day. Consider including important family members and partner if you're in a relationship if you have kids or teens consider something like what's the general plan for the morning, what times are lunch or work breaks, do you have any looming deadlines or virtual meetings or other important meetings that you need to be planning for, when are you signing off for the day things like that. Of course life happens and we can't always follow the plan but treating this time like a normal workday and having a routine for children and teens can be beneficial for your own productivity, mood, energy preservation and it really helps just to create a structure of consistency for you and the family. Another important strategy is to establish your work zone. Think about identifying the work area within your home that is uniquely yours, strictly yours, even if you have a small home or living space designate areas specifically for you, your partner or kids so that everyone has their space. Most of us will need to be creative. Some people are using the attic, dresser top, moving the nightstand to another area of a house putting up a tent or making a fort for their kid’s area, using the car or van as an office space, I've even heard someone using their ironing board. You're looking for the quietest, most private and secluded parts of your home where you have Wi-Fi and cell phone service. They may not be your favorite places in your home but they will help you remain focused and productive and if there's more than one adult working from home you may need to designate the premium area plan out who will be using the space when you review your calendars for the day. If one of you has an important deadline or meeting then they would then rotate into that particular workspace. Another strategy to consider is working in shifts if you have young or high needs children who require more time and energy you may not be able to work a typical nine of five shift or whatever it is whatever shift that you're currently working. You can't change this reality but what you can consider other creative options. If you have a partner or other adult trusted family member in your home perhaps you can check with your supervisors about working in shifts. Maybe one of you works better in the morning so you might consider starting the day early and the other works better at night so perhaps their start time is staggered a little bit later in the day. If you both like to work the same hours of the day perhaps you might even consider taking turns this way you can trade off the caretaking responsibilities and if you're a single parent consider if there's another family member or reliable safe neighbor that you can create a plan with to be quarantine buddies or to engage in sharing caregiving responsibilities with the children. Also find the positives you know this can be a challenging and difficult time and often is for many of us but finding the positives in a situation is truly beneficial for your mental health. Consider creating a positive list. For some it's spending time with a partner or the kids in a way we may not typically get to. For instance having lunch together, gaining a better understanding of your partner's workday, or finding new ways to work together as a family or work team. This can also be a teaching moment acknowledging the many challenges that we sometimes face in the world and to take this time to provide background and context so you can be there for your children and your family in a matter which truly matters. For example issues that you might speak to are things like the pandemic, the virus, the protests which speak to human rights, and perhaps what it means to be furloughed. Simply be that role model and support system. In other words find the positives. Another important strategy and working from home is the concept of making friends with your anxiety. There's a lot of stress right now and it's normal to feel anxious, stressed or worried. Consider this, rather than fighting your anxiety or trying to push it away or shove it down it can be helpful to acknowledge your worries. Remind yourself that it's expected you'd be feeling anxious or worried with all these additional pressures. You might consider just taking a calming break a deep breath and or maybe access another help healthy coping strategy in your toolbox to help you further stabilize your mood and perspective. Also notice if you're adding to your worries by and perhaps watching or consuming more news than you would otherwise normally consume. You might consider engaging in habits that are healthier than say those moments where we may find ourselves drinking perhaps in excess of what we otherwise would normally drink in terms of things like coffee or alcohol or even just you know that unhealthy habit of maybe staying up later than we normally would that might impede upon our sleep especially if we're trying to consume more social media these days or digesting even more news coverage than we normally do so just simply remind yourself to try not to feed or feel that anxiety if you can help it and if you want more strategies for working for home you might consider taking our working from home webinar or if you need more strategies on self-care you might consider taking our self-care webinar that we currently have listed on the EAP website. You can find the dates and times by simply going to eap.wa.gov and just simply click on
COVID 19 resources. Now allow us to help you to identify and develop a few additional strategies to support the kids and teens and Kari is going to go ahead and help us get started with that,
Kari. 

(Kari)
Great thanks Matt. So with children setting and sticking to a schedule is really key even if you're at home all day so kids should continue to have their normal times for getting up or going to bed, for eating meals. Consistency and structure are really calming during these times of stress and that's particularly true for those that are younger, younger children or those that are anxious they really benefit from knowing what's going to happen next and when it's going to happen. Your schedule, it might be beneficial to make the schedule mimic the school schedule with really predictable intervals for learning and playing. It might be even helpful to write down the schedule and go over it as a family each morning and with that you may want to post the schedule in a place where all the family members can see it and you can then refer the children back to the schedule throughout the day as needed to help them know what's coming up next. With younger children you might have them help you create the schedule and they can use pictures or stickers on the calendar and that can be a really helpful reminder for them of what's happening next. For older children perhaps they can be in charge of drawing or using the computer to create the plan for the day with your help. When kids are included they feel more ownership and pride in following the plan for the day. Also another thing to consider is having a timer that you can use to help younger kids know when activities are going to begin or end. This can be really beneficial as it can help prevent meltdowns with the transitions that come with moving from one activity to the next. Just be sure to provide enough reminders that the transition is happening. With activities and exercise you know it can be really difficult to continue to be creative as a parent or a caregiver about new activities or how to get your exercise in for your children. So I know teachers might have provided lots of great ideas for activities so continue to use those as helpful. Also know that there are Facebook parenting groups and other groups that you can search online. You might consider some other avenues for getting ideas of activities and ways for children to get exercise. One creative way that families are looking at activities is it's called lunch doodles with Mo Willems. Its Mo is his first name and his last name is WI ll EMS and he is an artist and he takes learners into his studio and children can explore ways of creating art. He is a very calming presence and many families are just having this as part of their daily routine. You can find Mo Williams on YouTube so feel free to search him and you'll find multiple videos that you can watch. Another great source is a website called education.com. This has lots of curriculum and activities for every age group. For kids that are under 5 consider downloading the free app it's called Vroom and this provides daily brain builder activities that you can do with children. You may already know that first five years are critical for a child's development in learning and bonding and attachment. Using a tool such as the Vroom app can really help you find meaningful activities to do with your child and help you provide structure throughout your day. Something that's fairly new that you might not know about are there are monster meditations with Sesame Street. Sesame Street and Headspace which is a mindfulness app they have come together to create these monster meditations and so you can search for that on YouTube or YouTube kids. They are three minute videos that help children understand about how to calm their minds and their bodies and learn different types of mindfulness skills. Another thing you might consider is the American Psychological Association has a great PDF that provides a lot of information that includes tips for parenting or managing anxiety, talking to children about the virus, it has advice for caregiving children with disabilities, it has social stories about the coronavirus, something strange happened in my city is the name of one of them. They have all sorts of activities tips and information. To find this PDF feel free to go to the last slide of this presentation and you'll see the American Psychological Association link listed there. Finding ways to keep your kids physically active is also important so consider having recess time every day maybe it's in your living room, your yard or your neighborhood and there's all sorts of games and activities that can help kids get moving without them even realizing that they're moving. Whether that's playing tag or the old fashioned version of Marco Polo or taking a family walk or bike ride or perhaps doing some yoga. Those are all great ways to keep children active and can help us too as adults. Another thing to consider with kids is you know how to help manage worries. As we spoke earlier it's really understandable that feelings of anxiousness would come up at this time or feelings of worries how we manage our anxiety or our worries it really impacts our children so keeping your worries in check can really help the whole family navigate through these uncertain times more smoothly so something to watch out for is catastrophic thinking that you might be having such as assuming that if someone has a cough it's a sign that they're infected with the corona virus or reading a news story and dwelling on the worst case scenario. Keeping a sense of perspective and engaging in solution-focused thinking can be really beneficial for you and help you feel more calm. If you're feeling anxious it can be helpful to reach out to others and talk about your concerns and I would just remind us all that to keep that out of the earshot of our children so consider stepping into another room or going outside and taking a quick break and having talking to someone as a way to help you stay calm or maybe you're not able to talk to someone in that moment but you can just quickly go outside and just take a few seconds of some deep breathing.
Remember to reach out to support if you're struggling with your mental health and that EAP is here for you it can help you find ways to navigate through the extreme stressors that many people are going through. It's important to be informed right now. It's a good idea and at the same time it's a really good idea to limit your consumption of news and social media as they have really the potential of stoking your anxiety so just be aware for yourself how much news you're consuming but also if you exposing your children to the news as the news can maybe cause anxiety for kids as they don't necessarily understand what's being said or can interpret the information in different ways that make sense for their age but it's not necessarily what's actually happening so consider turning off your TV or muting the sound and putting on the closed captioning instead. Consider if there are people in your life you need to limit contact with that might be people that inflame worries at this time and consider you know reaching out to those people that you know you do have healthy and good connections with and be able to talk about your concerns and your worries whether that's a counselor or a family member, someone in your community or a spiritual leader or religious leader reaching out to those people that can really support you through these challenging times. It's really important to stay connected with others to stay have a strong support network as best you can even if it's just simply texting family or friends. We are all social beings so socializing really plays an important role in helping us to regulate our mood and to stay grounded. Consider this also for your children as well. They're needing connection too so think about ways to help kids stay connected with their peers as you're able and that might be having a virtual playdate, it might be swinging by someone's house and waving to them from afar with your masks on, it might be having a grandparent who reads a bedtime story at night to your child or maybe you're the child's grandparents join or for lunch virtually or maybe there's other important people in your child's life that you want to find ways for them to stay connected. Whether that's having the child write a letter or draw pictures for an elder in your family and then it's posted in the mail or whatever it might be as ways for children your children to stay connected to important people in their lives. Another thing to consider is you know making plans for the future. There's a lot right now that we don't have control over so it can be really helpful and important to be proactive and think about well what do I have control over. Well one thing you have control over is making some of the plans for your family so perhaps you can schedule those virtual playdates for kids, perhaps it's having a picnic in a park in your neighborhood or just walking to a different neighborhood. It doesn't have to be anything that takes a lot of extra effort. It might be having pizza night and a movie. Those things making a list of things that kids have that they can look forward to in the future can be really helpful and so consider having some things out there in the future that kids might be looking forward to. Well there's more ideas about how to support kids and Matt can you help us talk about a few more ideas?

(Matt)
I'd love to you thanks Kari, thank you. One thing we want to consider too and just sort of adding to Kari's  strategies and ideas is remember to keep must keep it positive. As adults we may have our own worries and concerns things like perhaps rotating school schedules and the kids may be excited about this as well so if they are make attempts to validate their feelings and perhaps use those moments as a springboard to help kids stay calm and happy. Another idea is to talk about what's happening and again remember to keep it simple. It's important to talk to children in a clear and age-appropriate way about what's going on. Unless kids ask specific questions you might consider not to overshare or volunteer information that make worry them. In short continue to be thoughtful about the information you choose to share and consider the impact SAMHSA has a really good resource that's designed to help support adults who are trying to have these pandemic or in some cases national and global discussions with children of all ages. We would encourage you to take a look at their information on their website which will be attached to this presentation. Also consider checking in with young children, young children may be confused as to what's happening and may be unsettled by the changes in their routine or pick up on the fact that others around them may be worried or upset. Check in with younger children periodically to allow them a chance and encourage them to process any worries. Pay attention and notice if your children are perhaps showing behavioral aggression. Things like tantrums, maybe showing a bit more into defiance than normal like yelling or hitting or in some cases throwing things or other behaviors that may reflect their anxiety and stress like bedwetting that they may not be able to verbally articulate for themselves and so pick a calm and undistracted time and just simply sit and gently ask them how they're feeling and make sure to respond to outbursts that they may have in a calm consistent and comforting way. Also you might consider taking the path of least resistance. What does that mean well? It's important to be reasonable and kind to yourself parents during these challenging times. We all want to be the best parent we can be but sometimes we just need to let go a bit and that this and remembering that this is a unique situation and that the boundaries that we're currently setting or the new routines and structure that we're putting in place well at some point once again return to that quote unquote new normal place so remember sometimes it really is about just reminding ourselves that we are doing the best we can under these circumstances. You might even consider repeating I am doing the best I can and then as Kari mentioned earlier we really do want to accept and ask for help if you have a partner or another adult family member in your household make a plan to trade off child care especially if one or both of you are working from home that way you each can take a break. Breaks are so important for mental health. Also maybe consider having the kids pitch it as well and give them age-appropriate household tasks like setting the table or taking out the garbage and trash, feeding the pets or maybe even helping with the dishes. Even toddlers can pick up their own toys.
Working as a family will help everyone feel involved, stay busy and connected and just simply improve upon our safety and promote discussion during these unprecedented times. So those are just a few more ideas in terms of supporting kids and now we're going to shift our lens in supporting teens and young adults and Kari is going to get us started on that. Thank you Kari. 

(Kari)
Yeah, having teens or young adults at home may not be as labor-intensive as younger children but it has its challenges too. So while children they might be really excited about being with their parents 24/7 and having more attention adolescents and young adults might feel a little bit differently so let's talk about how to support teens and young adults. One of the biggest challenges may be getting your teen or your adult young adult to comply with the physical distancing and what might be helpful for you as an adult is to consider some of the reasons why it might be challenging for teens because then that can help you in having a conversation with them. First of all it's important to know that teens are in a developmental stage where friends and social connections are more of an emphasis and they're really a very important it's an important stage of development for them to be connected to their peers. In fact bonding with their peers is one of the essential developmental tasks of an adolescent. Another thing to consider around why it's so hard for teens to practice the physical distancing is this aspect of grief. There are so many disappointments for teens and with that missing so many milestones in their lives and missing their friends there's also grief that they're experiencing with these losses of important activities and events and connections with friends and people they really care about and lastly it can be difficult for teens to physically distance because you know we probably all felt this way when we were teenagers there's a tendency to feel invincible when you're a teenager so they're not necessarily understanding and aware of how the you know coronavirus might impact them. In fact it's been problematic because in the beginning the coronavirus was just seen as impacting mainly older adults and so teens might feel you know you might be getting some pushback from your teens as they're told that they can't get together with their friends and why they must are being asked to engage in physical distancing and so if you're needing more support in this area please feel free contact the EAP on ways to have discussions with your teen's. Friends are extremely important to teens so if your teen is struggling with them with this you know during the pandemic there's so many disappointments that they faced and so sitting down and having a conversation with your teen can be so beneficial and what can be really helpful is to really listen. To listen to your teen, to listen to their feelings related to you know what's going on the grief that they're experiencing what their feel like they're missing out on and rather than as the adult kind of responding about our own childhood experiences or comparing our experiences or anything like that what can be most beneficial is when you know listen to their feelings and then to acknowledge their frustration or whatever the feelings they're having say it's frustration from being cut off from friends and acknowledged that how difficult that can be and then once you validated their feelings then having a conversation with your teen about okay what can we do to make the situation more bearable I know that we can't make it all better we can't change what's happening but how can we make this more bearable and then to have a conversation from that perspective can be so beneficial. So
I think a really great example of a parent who's really engaging with their teens is someone that you may have heard of Shaquille O'Neal he's a former NBA basketball player and he can be seen on social media deejaying music for his teenage sons and then challenging other basketball friends and or just other families to a dance-off so I know I can't be as cool as Shaq and maybe you feel that way too but as adults with teenagers we can get creative and we can find ways so beneficial for us to get engaged with
our teens and helped them find ways to connect to their friends and so I think Shaquille O'Neal provides a great example of this where he found a way to engage with his teenagers with something that they loved and then he found a way to get them connected to their friends and so this may mean stepping into the world of tik-tok videos if you're not sure what that is you can google that or it might be that your teenager you help them you know connect with others in different ways whether that's they're watching a show with another friend on Netflix or you know they're using Nintendo switch to play a game maybe ring fit which is a fitness game or something like that so consider ways to continue to help your teens. You know many parents are feeling a lot of pressure and confusion about how to help their teenagers with remote learning and so if this is a place that you're in at this moment I know that can be really challenging as schools have lots of expectations and it can be particularly difficult for those who have ADHD or other learning disorders or challenges so helping your teens be able to set a realistic good schedule you know if they're engaged in school at this time and with that defining periods of working on their schoolwork but also very important for teams to have breaks for socializing, time to exercise and time for entertainment. All of these areas are important to the well-being of your teen or your young adult. It can be really easy to forget that downtime for teenagers and young adults it's essential for their brain it's really important so we have some more ideas we wanted to share with you around teens and young adults, Matt. 

(Matt)
Yeah, thanks Kari. Just a few additional ideas to add on we're going to talk a little bit about validating disappointments, encouraging healthy habits, and what it means to practice mindfulness. You know validate disappointments let's start there. Some of the most painful parts of COVID-19 for teens will be losing important experiences such as proms, high school sporting events, theater productions, also including both high school and in some cases college graduation events. During this time of being housebound teens they're missing out on very valuable activities and milestones that we often experience in our own culture. This is especially problematic for teens because their brains are physically hardwired to think about novelty and pleasure-seeking so give teens rooms to effectively share their feelings and try to listen to understand without judgment. Stay away from telling them that everything will be fine or get over it or I had it much worse when I was your age things like that. Give them room to share how they're feeling and acknowledge the stress that they're facing today. You might even consider offering to help them create a plan all while expressing your confidence in their ability to be able to fully work through that plan. Also you want to consider encouraging healthy habits. All of us including teens will do better during the stressful time if we have adequate sleep, if we're engaged in eating healthy meals, and exercising on a regular basis. Encourage teens to even consider it can that consistent sleep schedule with predictable times for bed as this will help maintain a positive mood energy and future outlook and of course this ultimately may support academic success. Healthy habits are particularly important for young people who struggle with anxiety or depression so find time to explore with your teens what works best for them and seek common ground and agreements. Speaking of encouraging healthy habits we might even consider helping our teens or young adults practice mindfulness. Mindfulness practices can be very helpful in these stressful times where routines and schedules are disrupted and teens might be feeling overwhelmed by their frustration and in some cases disappointment. Mindfulness techniques can assist them with calming their brains and their bodies in helping them manage their stress. Consider encouraging your teen to maybe even use one of the mindful apps things like Calm, Headspace or Insights Timer. Maybe even consider a moment of personal reflection when you consider what are some other healthy habits or ways that as an adult you may practice mindfulness and how might you introduce those ideas to your children and teens and young adults it's age-appropriate and so next we're going to talk about a few strategies as we shift into our significant relationships with others in particular our couple relationships, Kari. 

(Kari)
Thanks Matt. First of all we want to recognize that not everyone participating in this webinar is in a relationship. You might be a single parent and others might have a blended family. In both cases you might be experiencing challenges related to your former partners or even your former partners significant other or family so in this section we'll be talking about couples but know that some of the information particularly on the next slide coming up around communication that might be helpful for you in thinking about talking with your former partner or other people in your lives. So let's talk about significant relationships. If you're living with a partner, working from home might have felt fun for the first few days but then you might have felt a strain coming on into your relationship. Anthony Chambers a couple and family psychologist he identifies that the central task of any marriage or partnership is management of differences so with couples being together 24/7 any differences can be magnified. Before COVID 19 couples you know had a break from each other for maybe eight to 12 hours a day depending on the situation and that separation might have helped with managing the relationship difficulties having some time and space away from each other so let's talk about strategies to assist you in your partnership. First of all I think it's really important to just acknowledge as a couple with each other that whenever humans are together for a long period of time this can really strain a relationship, any relationship, and to just recognize and acknowledge this and perhaps it might be looking for yourself and reflecting on any preconceived expectations that you might have had about being together and maybe looking at those and allowing those to shift or to let go of some of them. Earlier we talked about checking in daily. Well as a couple this is really important. Taking a few minutes in the morning to maybe evaluate the prior day and make a plan for the schedule of the upcoming day. Perhaps you discuss what didn't work and what did work the prior day and then you can make any adjustments and add that to your plan for the day. You might consider asking you know how can we help each other succeed today or what do we each need from each other today? Something else to consider when working together is to make sure that you have separate spaces in the home that you can have your own space to be able to work in. Also another thing to consider is not treating your partner like a co-worker and let me explain that a little bit more. So you might be sharing physical space but it can be really helpful to avoid listening to your partner's work conversations, as you're able, or to talk about work issues or even make comments about work as you might with a co-worker if your coworker was sitting next to you and the reason is most likely you are already sharing a lot of pressure and stress, domestic duties, perhaps childcare duties and so adding work burdens on top of that might just be a little too much right now. Consider staying in touch with your colleagues and having work conversations with them instead of your partner and for some partnerships it might be beneficial to talk about work what's going on at work but for some it might not so maybe have a conversation in your relationship about what's most helpful. Another thing to consider is how can we self-differentiate. Let me explain that a little bit further. University of Missouri researchers they observed a key feature in healthy relationships, self-differentiation, and what that is the ability to maintain a sense of yourself independent of your relationship. So in the research they found people who are high in this quality of self differentiation are better able to derive enjoyment from doing things on their own as well as doing activities with their partner and so they don't feel the need to get away from their partner but instead prefer to have some time on their own once in a while and then when they come back together they benefit from their independent experiences and these independent experiences can ultimately enrich their relationship. So ideally as a couple you would negotiate the time that you spend together and try to balance this with some time to spend time independently. According to the research from the University of Missouri self-differentiation it plays a key role in determining relationship satisfaction so managing and finding some separateness in the face of the constrained togetherness that we're experiencing under one roof this can be difficult so trying to find time to have time on your own that might include things like maybe you're in the same room and one of you is reading a book and one of you is on social media, perhaps one of you goes out for a walk or does a run and the other one and their partner is doing something else. So finding ways to have some time as an individual with kids that can be really difficult so it might be if you have children that your alone time might be doing some of the mundane household chores like laundry or cleaning but having intentional time where you have time on your own can be really beneficial to your relationship to really strive for a togetherness and separation ratio as this can be really helpful and healthy. So let's talk about communication in your relationship. 

(Matt)
That sounds great. Well I think one of the first things we want to consider when we look at communication is having a signal and while it's best to plan and talk about your time together as a couple or with your former partner there will be times where you may feel overwhelmed. Having a signal or code word that you and your partner or former partner agree to can help signal for a break. Conflict happens especially when we're spending lots of time together under stressful circumstances and it's fair to say all relationships will experience conflict and in some cases strong disagreements; however you can choose how to respond to any difficult conversation. A simple communication tool or practice is to use those I statements to voice your needs rather than using the pronoun you which may not be well-received and if anything those you statements may be viewed as an attack or criticism. Consider how you might start the conversation as experts suggest often the way a conversation begins is often how it ends. For example with a calm and maintained voice try I am noticing which impacts our ability to and I invite you to help seek a better way and moving forward something to that effect. This type of startup may help the discussion healthy rather move in a more healthy direction rather than sounding as if we're blaming or shaming or being punitive in some way. When using you statements to describe our feelings it really can come across as criticism. Also we want to continue to learn and grow and our ability to communicate. If you're struggling with communication in your relationship whether it's with your significant partner or other or with your teens or children or other members of the community please feel free to consider reaching out to the EAP for support there are certainly community members, religious members or spiritual leaders or consider reaching out to a counselor that specializes in helping support family systems for guidance and support. You might also consider learning more about relationships from a world-renowned couple scientist and researcher and therapist Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Both have conducted breakthrough research at the University of Washington in Seattle with thousands of couples in what they refer to as the love lab. They're widely known as experts in the field of couple’s therapy. In fact their website Gottman.com has a wealth of information on creating healthy relationships including how to communicate, 24 dates you can try at home, also keeping it together during social distancing, there's relationship quizzes and so much more. In addition they have written multiple books such as the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Eight Dates that have led tens of thousands of couples through workshops. If you'd like to improve your communication style I'd suggest visiting their website to learn more about the Four Horsemen which is a metaphor to describe communication styles that according to the research can predict the end or the termination of a relationship if it's not corrected. Some of these horsemen or rather the four horsemen are the use of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling and they also talk about how you know again just the way you start the conversation is generally how it ends and so there literature research really supports communicating in a slightly different way even when problems are unsolvable. In fact Gottman states that 94% of the time the way a discussion begins is often the way it will end. Softening the startup of your arguments or concerns or complaints is absolutely crucial to resolving relationship conflicts and we will link the Gottman.com information to this particular webinar. Also when we think about managing relationships during this difficult time we do want to look at managing conflict. Again as we've talked about it earlier many of you might be struggling or having conflicts related to your former partner as you try to work together during these times in co-parenting. For example one household may be focusing on taking precautions around COVID-19 and maybe the other household isn't necessarily following the recommended precautions and so there may be disagreements around that which then can confuse the children as well so with all of these stressors related to COVID-19 we just want to recognize that these additional family pressures may feel overwhelming at times and so we would encourage you to create a plan with your former partner whether it's utilizing a stenographer pad or notebook that you can put in your children's backpack to communicate that way or in some other pre-designated fashion especially when there's a high degree of conflict between the two of you if it's safe at all to communicate at this point but we would encourage you try to find ways of connecting and promoting that the strong family dynamic bonds and working to create strategies for better communication with your former partner and again please feel free to reach out to the EAP if you'd like some additional ideas or tools or just a listening partner. For some couples and families our current challenges are bringing them even closer together and you may be experiencing that as well creating a deeper bond for many as a result of the stressors relating to COVID-19 and some of the other external national and global events that we've mentioned earlier. So with these increased pressures there's also an increased potential for domestic violence. In fact the national domestic violence hotline initially was reporting a 25 percent increase in calls since the beginning of COVID 19. In our state here in Washington State Seattle has reported a significant increase in domestic calls and we suspect that elevation or statistical increase has been similar across the board in most in most places. Domestic violence is a concern due to the continued pressures of sheltering in place, in some cases social isolation and the increase in alcohol and substance abuse or use and certainly not least the financial pressures that we may be experiencing as well as a result of the furloughs. We do have more information on our website on our webpage eap.wa.gov for support and resources around domestic violence please take a look. If you are concerned that you may be in a domestic violence type situation please find a way to reach out for help and support there's plenty of help and support out there. You call the National Domestic Violence hotline number which is one eight hundred seven nine nine seven two three three that's one eight hundred seven nine nine seven two three three and if you're unable to speak you can log into the hotline.org or text two two five two two. So let's talk a little bit more about mental health and when to seek help. So when it comes to our mental health caring for your own and your family members mental health it's really critical right now more than ever feeling anxious, tired, stressed and uncertain is expected right now with all of the additional stressors and uncertainty that we're experiencing so if you or your family members are experiencing mental health concerns please we urge you to continue seeing your counselor if you have one consider talking with your primary care physicians or please contact us at the EAP. Also the Alliance on Mental Illness otherwise known as NAMI has an excellent guide with a wealth of information and resources around mental health including support in managing stress and anxiety and maybe even how to go about eating health insurance if you were lost over a family member or loved one has lost coverage, resources around finances, information around incarcerated individuals and concerns around their welfare, losing a loved one and so much more. NAMI also provides free education on how to support children and teens struggling with mental health issues. Please take a moment go to the NAMI website at Nami.org or just simply call them one eight hundred nine five zero six two six four for more information and again we'll link all of these resources to this PowerPoint presentation. Of course the EAP website has a page on suicide prevention and intervention resources as well and on this page you'll find information on how to seek help for yourself or a loved one or even a co-worker, manager and HR resources to help support employees or support those that potentially have lost a loved one to the act of suicide. If you or a loved one are experiencing some of the symptoms associated with trauma that are listed on this PowerPoint slide things like secondary trauma, anxiety, depression, re-experiencing flashbacks or feeling a need to avoid not simply to avoid illness but rather due to excessive fear or maybe you're finding yourself reacting above and beyond what's a normal reaction for you and dealing with life stressors things like excessive core concentration, a decrease in mood, increase in agitation or reckless behavior or and most importantly sleep disturbances. So again please consult with your primary care physician and we're also inviting you to reach out to the EAP for support and so we're going to talk a little bit about just some of the resources or services that the EAP provides as well as how you can go about scheduling your first EAP visit, Kari.

(Kari)
Thanks Matt you can connect with EAP by calling eight seven seven three one three four four five five we are here for you, we are here for your adult family members within your household. Those would be family members that are 18 or older they can also call that phone number. If you have children or teens that you're needing support with we can do that as well it's just a little bit different process. You would still contact us at that same number but we would work with you as the caregiver and without the child present and we would help you come up with a parenting plan or get you connected to the appropriate resources for the age of the child or the teen. When you call EAP you'll talk to one of our wonderful intake professionals and it is confidential when you talk to us through the whole process and they will connect you to a counselor they'll help you through the process to get you connected to you a counselor to assist you. We have expert professionals available throughout Washington so we have counselors that are local in your area. Right now what we're doing is we're meeting with clients on the phone or over the web just to ensure everybody's safe but just know we also have counselors available in your local area. We can assist with concerns, personal concerns, family concerns. We can also assist with work concerns and we really look at you as a whole person and we have caring, compassionate, respectful counselors who are ready to serve you and help you and another way to connect with us is through our website you can go to eap.wa.gov and on our website you'll see a link that says online referral request. When you click on that they'll be a form that comes up and you can fill out that form and hit the submit button and then an intake professional will give you a call back so there's two ways to get started with counseling one is to call us and two is to go to our website and click on that online referral request. On our website you can also sign up for our monthly newsletter and that information will come in to your email inbox on a monthly basis. We also have on-demand webinars and additional information available to you. If you click on COVID-19 resources on our webpage then you can find out about live and on-demand webinars that we have on a variety of topics. Also on that same page COVID 19 resources there's a list of links and resources on a wide variety of topics there's a link links they're around parenting for couples, around domestic violence, there's a lot of different information in their grief and loss so a wealth of information to take a look at and also to consider possibly bookmarking that page as we're always updating the COVID 19 resources page and have additional webinars and information that we're continually adding there. So please feel free to reach out to EAP we are here to support you and to walk with you on this journey and help you with coming up with a parenting plan or helping you as a couple and I guess that's one more thing that I want to add is sometimes there's some confusion. You can meet with the counselors the EAP counselors as a couple you can come as an individual or as a couple so just I think that could be helpful to know. Thank you so much for joining us today to talk more about parenting and family to dynamics it's been a pleasure to work with you today and be with you as well Matt so thank you so much and we hope that you attend another webinar in our future. Thank you.